Counting my blessings

All the stress of my current life has put me in a bad mood for the last few days. I'm worried about what is going to happen in the next couple of months and continually wonder how in the world I'm really going to make it to August a prepared adult. In the midst of frustration like this, when nothing seems to make it better, and I've just got to keep swimming and push through it, it's important for me (and you ;) ) to remember the good things. So, today I'm going to make a list of the blessings I'm currently enjoying. I hope this inspires you to sit still for a few minutes today, make a cup of tea, and thank God for all He has done for you.

1. God places the single in families

God has not yet blessed me with a husband and family of my own, and this is usually a point of contention between the two of us. But, lately I have been able to see and appreciate that he has blessed me with extra mothers, grandparents, aunts, sisters, brothers, and children. I am eternally grateful to the countless members of God's family who have been generous enough to share their own families with me during this difficult time in my own life.

2. God knows what I need exactly when I need it.

I will never know why I had to wait until my last semester at Harding to make some of the best friends of my life, but God knows. I had several very good friends before this year, but when God blessed me with a friend who joined me in wondering why we hadn't found each other sooner and informed me that we were going to be friends forever, I couldn't ignore that. God knew that I couldn't have gotten through the past few weeks without her as an addition to the rest of my friend-family. I am grateful for his immense knowledge, even when I can't always see it at work.

3. God is an excellent guide.

I had some pretty specific plans for my life after Harding, but God didn't seem to agree with me. I have had to exercise my faith a lot lately and rely on the Father to work things out according to his will. He has helped me find a job and another family to join, but I still need a lot more help in working things out between now and then. He's gotten me this far, and--at least for today--I trust him to take me the rest of the way.

4. God gives me a way out.

Besides agonizing over the right decision about my job and career, the thing that has been the heaviest on my heart lately is the fact that I'm still single. Although there are no visible signs that God is making any headway in providing me with a man, he has sent me lots of sweet babies to love so that my motherly instincts and need to nurture can be satisfied. They provide me with a purpose, an object to pour my love onto, and a beautiful satisfaction of my need to be hugged.

5. God reminds me of my deepest loves when I feel that I'll never be able to keep going.

This week has been kind of surreal after last week's student-teaching and graduation that brought my college days to an end. I have felt very lost and haven't known what to do with myself. God, in his infinite wisdom, has reminded me of all the reading I've longed to do in the last few months while I lacked the time to spend in the world of literature. He and a couple of precious friends provided me with the perfect new book to get me back into literary-dom. Rediscovering my passion for words has given me a new sense of peace that is irreplaceable.

My Bucket List

I created a writing prompt for my 9th graders last week where they had to make a list of at least 5 things they wanted to do in their lives, essentially a Bucket List, and then tell me about why. So, in the spirit of the Beloved Dr. Rod Brewer, who never fails to complete the assignments he gives his students right along with them, I wrote mine as well.

1. Learn to knit
I've tried to learn to knit before, but it was at a time in my life when I really didn't have any use for it, nor the patience, and my efforts were not exactly genuine. Needless to say, my success reflected that. I believe that throwing needles was involved, and I'm not sure if it was my decision or the decision of those close to me at that moment, but my efforts did not continue. When I first came to Harding, the knitting phenomenon was beginning to explode. Girls were doing it everywhere: in chapel, in class, in the caf, on the front-lawn. I've even seen people do it in church. I love to create things like that, and I quickly became jealous of this sweet, creative knowledge. However, all the other activities I chose to pursue interfered with my ability to learn -- that and the fact that I never made any real effort to actually try again. When my friend, Ellen, who learned to knit many moons ago, decided to pick it up again, I got really excited. She's agreed to teach me how one day, hopefully soon, so that I can knit cute things for my friends, fam, and all those precious little babies I love so much.

2. Go white-water rafting
This desire sprung up in my heart this past summer. It was a long, and difficult summer for my family, with the loss of my grandmother. However, it was also a significant learning and growing time for me. I learned a lot about myself and my capabilities. I also learned a lot about God's will for me and what I want to do in my life. After returning from a mission trip in Belize and almost immediately leaving for another in North Carolina, my spirits were high. I was confident I had done good work for the Lord in Central America, and I was ready to take on anything. When we drove through Eastern Tennessee and the beauty of that breathtaking country, and then saw all the people white-water rafting a little further one, I knew immediately that I wanted to try it. I was somehow fearless for the first time in my life, and I still really want to experience what must be an amazing and thrilling adventure.

3. Mission work in Africa
I can't really pinpoint exactly when I began to yearn for those hearts and souls on that great continent, but I can tell you that it has not quieted down. I want to go there and spend weeks just holding babies. I have several friends who have had the opportunity to participate in Harding's HIZ program in Zambia and they bring back pictures and stories of all of these children who are orphaned and have chronic illnesses. They long for someone to just touch them and hold them. My heart aches for them. I hope and pray that God will bless me with babies of my own someday, but if he doesn't, don't be surprised to see me in an African village holding as many as will fit in my lap at a time. I really believe that that yearning is a God-calling, and I hope and pray for the opportunity to fulfill it one day.

4. Go to culinary school
In the 8th grade, when we all had to take that test whose name I can't remember that was supposed to tell us what we should/would be when we grew up, my results read "Chef." I thought that was the silliest thing in the world at the time. Now, part of me wishes I had listened. I love food. I love creating things. I love watching my friends and family enjoy things I have cooked and created. It's such a joy for me to plan a party and/or a meal for people that I love. I would love to go to Culinary school just so I'll know how to make whatever I want. I wouldn't necessarily want to work in a restaurant, but if the opportunity presents itself....I'm definitely not closing any doors on my future at this point.

5. Get married
I've got to have somebody to love me and help me out with #6.

6. Have lots of babies
I've got to have at least 4 at this point because that's how many names I've picked out. I'd really love to have a whole house full. But definitely less than 100. And none of them will be named E.T.

7. Travel Europe
There are so many places I've heard so much about that I really need to see.

8. Visit New Zealand, so I can see where the Hobbits live
Wouldn't it be cool to live in a Hobbit hole? I love the coziness of a hobbit dwelling with its round doors and windows and the warm fire, plus the neverending supply of food. I wish I was as content with my life as they all seem to be.

9. Write and publish a book
I've had a special relationship with words for as long as I can remember, but because I've also had self-esteem issues for nearly as long, I never felt like I was capable of actually writing a book. The idea has occurred to me several times over the last few years, but still, I was certain I just couldn't do it. Until this past Christmas, when my mom said something about it completely out of the blue. She got me a new journal for Christmas and said that she loved to see me writing and that she always assumed I'd write a book one day. She had never ever said anything like that to me ever before. But apparently she had been expecting it to happen for my whole life. And that little vote of confidence was all I needed. One day, I'll do it. As soon as I decide what in the world to write about.

10. Inspire at least one student to pursue a career in Literature or Language
It has been my experience in college that people are constantly asking why we want to be whatever it is we've chosen to become. I can't tell you how many times I've had to write or discuss why I want to be an English teacher. Most often, the majority of my English major friends have chosen this path because they had an exceptional teacher cross their path that really made a difference in their lives. That is not the case for me. I had lots of teachers that I really loved. But I never had a phenomenal English teacher in all of my K-12 education. For a literature and language lover, that is nearly a tragedy. I could very easily have been driven away from my loves by all of the mediocre instructors from my youth. But I chose a different route. I decided that I was going to become an English teacher because I love English, I love kids, and because I never had anyone work to inspire me, believe in me, or encourage me to explore my abilities. I want to do all of those things for my students. And I hope that my work will pay off and that one day before I retire at least one of my former students will be pursuing a degree and career in a field involving Literature or Language. I will, of course, assume that I was all the inspiration he/she needed.

God is a Pusher

I've been praying for several years for God to show me who I am supposed to be and give me the strength, courage, and guidance to do what I need to do to become that person. Some days I wish God wouldn't take me so literally. This has been one of those days. Do you know what I mean? One after another, things keep coming up all day long, obstacles that you must overcome. Typically, they are things that you are usually terrible at and struggle to get through, or they make you actively choose the right thing even though it is something you really don't want to do.

God has really been pushing me to grow lately. Yesterday the lesson I had planned for my 9th graders practically fell flat because of something I could not have planned for. It was a really good lesson for me to learn but a pretty huge blow to my fragile confidence in my teaching ability. This afternoon I got a phone call from my co-teacher for the 2 and 3-year-olds class I teach at church on Wednesday night. Her daughter is sick, so she wasn't going to be able to make it. That meant that instead of taking my very-much-needed nap this afternoon before church, I had to go by and get the class materials and plan a quick lesson. It wasn't a very big deal, but I could really have used that nap. Also, I found out today that a friend of mine from high school, who has not talked to me in over a year, lost her grandfather today. And, as a person who has gone through more than her share of family deaths in her short lifetime, more-than-understands how difficult this situation is. And once again, I could hear God asking me to be the bigger person and do the right thing.

I know I asked for this. I get it. But, I'm tired, and I'm starting to resist the push. I love people. Sometimes too much. But it's often lonely when the people thinking and caring about me are silent, and ironically self-absorbed Hailey (because that's who I become when I start to think about how many times I've made myself do the right thing by people lately) forgets that they're there at all.

It is a blessed thing, at these times, to be able to crawl into the big lap of the Father and let him squeeze me tight and tell me that I really am worth it and that I really do have what it takes. It's really too bad that sometimes, even after all the work I've done to overcome it, I still can't feel Him. The good news is that I'm pretty sure He's pushing me closer to Him.

I pray blessings on all of you, readers. I pray that you will know with complete certainty what God wants from you and for you. I pray that you know how much you are loved. And I pray that you can feel His arms around you. And I pray that on those days when you feel like you can't be pushed any further God will provide some sort of escape. Even something as simple as the pure joy in the light of a child's eyes and his sweet voice calling your name. There's a reason we're called to be like little children.