Did you miss me? I know it's been just over a year, a long rollercoaster of a year, since I gave you some insight into the pickle jar that is my life, but I'm going to risk mixing my metaphors and get back on the horse. I've learned so many lessons over the last year, and I miss the catharsis that regular (haha) writing used to bring. So, no, I haven't been lost since April of 2011. I've simply been wandering and have (no promises) made my way back to you. The biggest part of my journey this year, other than teaching, has been purposefully being more healthy. I have a hard time even talking about this with many people because I've been so embarrassed of my weight for as long as I can remember, but as my body continues to change, and I continue to reap the benefits that hard work has accomplished, it has become a little easier to accept the generous compliments and sweet smiles from the people around me who love and encourage. On that note, I thought that I'd share just a few things that I've learned about lifestyle changes (because I have no plans to go back!).
1. You don't have to keep doing it just because it's who you've always been or what you've always done.
My shame and embarrassment that was developed and cultivated over the course of about 10 years or so kept me from changing my life for so long. I would set a goal and decide I was going to really change things, but then the disappointment that came when it didn't happen as quickly as I wished would send me back to my old habits. I'm still, daily, having to remember that I don't have to do the things I have always done. I don't have to eat dessert just because that's what's supposed to come next. I don't have to go back for seconds just because there's some left. It may sound simple, or even silly, but that is an empowering revelation for me.
2. Your body is smarter than you think. Listen to it.
It took such a long time for this one to really change because I didn't love or trust my body, but our perfect and amazing Creator has given us all the tools we need to be the healthy and beautiful people He created us to be. He created our bodies to know when we are full and to let our
brains and hands and mouths know when to stop eating, but a lifelong
habit of eating what whatever was around had corrupted my ability to do that. When controlling when I stopped eating with my brain finally led me to a place where my stomach began to recognize it again, it was like someone turned a key in a lock and the chains fell off.
3. Nike was right. Just Do It.
I have wasted a ridiculous amount of time "feeling bad" or being "tired" or just not wanting to exercise, but each time I go ahead and tough it out, I always feel better. I can always be proud of working through that psychological mess and of doing just one more thing to get me closer to my goal. Imagine all that I could have accomplished if I had just gotten out of my chair and done it without all the internal discussion!
4. Enjoy the journey.
If you can't be happy with the small milestones, how can you expect to be happy at the end? I often worry that I will work this hard for this long and still not be satisfied once that "magic" number is finally on the scale. I am still learning this one. I have to think about and reflect on all of the changes that have been made in me and in my life, all of the mountains I have had to overcome, just to get to this place. I have now lost about 60% of my goal, and those numbers, ever so slowly, keep climbing. The light at the end of the tunnel is beginning to glimmer into view. As excited as I am to get there, I need to maintain focus on today so that I can keep moving forward, and continuing to allow myself to relish in the compliments and to smile when I look in the mirror is a huge part of that.
I want to say thank you to all of you who have encouraged and supported me along the way, even those of you who may not even have known it. I could never have gotten this far without you and my patient and loving Lord. As part of my reward at the end of my weight loss journey, I have been planning a big party, and you will all be invited to share in the celebration of the success story that I know God is giddy to give me.
Yes, Yes, Yes! Yes, I've missed you and yes, I understand every bit of this. I've told several people lately that it still makes me uncomfortable when someone says, "You're losing weight, aren't you?" My body has been other people's focus for SO LONG and I don't want it to be. It's about health. It's about making good choices. It's about self-care. It's really not about weight, although that is one component. It's really not about how I look either. When I was 16 and small, I thought I was fat. When I weight almost 240 pounds, I didn't see it.
ReplyDeleteSo it's not about looks.
It's about me and being true to who God calls me to be.
You can do this. I can do this. WE can do it. One step at a time, one choice at a time.
And yes -- I've missed you.