The me I never thought I would be

My parents both grew up playing sports. And I don't mean they liked sports and played in summer leagues and had a great time. Those things are all true, but it was more than that for them. Sports were what both of their young lives were all about and they both played every kind of sport available to them. So, by the time my sister and I were old enough to be on sports teams, we were. Softball was the biggest one at my house. My parents started coaching when I was only 4 years old (we were serious about ball, so I skipped tee-ball and started playing coach-pitch softball at the age of 4). They either coached or were our biggest cheerleaders until my sister decided to stop playing at the age of about 14. She's 4 years younger than me, so means our family was involved in softball (and basketball or volleyball during the school year) for about 14 consecutive years. Athleticism is in my blood. But it's not really in my body. I was always very strong, but never very fast. I'm not a runner. Even from my young days of softball, my daddy taught me to hit the ball really far so that I could make it to first base before they got the ball back into the infield. I've never been a runner.

By the time I made it to high school, I had practically given up on sports all together. I didn't enjoy them anymore because I was in terrible shape, and it was always too hard to play. I had just decided that that wasn't the girl I was going to be. Once I got to Harding and decided that I did not like my appearance or level of healthiness, Rob and I began a regular daily work out that we kept up for 3 school years. It was crazy. I never would have thought that I would become the girl who worked out regularly, appreciated its effect on my body, mind, and health, and even sometimes enjoyed it. Exercise has been a blessing for my life for sometime. However, even through all of that, I still wasn't a runner. My working out was mostly on the elliptical machines and lifting weights, etc. I am not a runner. My body wasn't created that way. But, like most things in my life, dramatic changes tend to come with a good cause attached. I've done a ton of things in my life that I never thought I'd do because they would benefit someone I cared about.

So now, thanks to a sweet lady who has blessed my life immensely by mothering me in just the way I needed, I am on my way to being a runner.

My friend, and former club sponsor, Lisa Burley's son was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes last year. Regina really wanted to walk with her in the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation Walk for a Cure last fall, but scheduling made it impossible. This year, Lisa has created an online team profile where people can join Burley's Bunch and pledge to raise money and walk with her. Lisa and the Burley family are so special to me that I just couldn't pass up the opportunity. So, I signed up, assuming that walking a 5K on a Saturday morning in September would be fun and for a good cause. Then I began talking to my friends, several of whom have other children in their lives who suffer from this dreadful disease. And Rob decided she wanted to do it with me, but, congruent with her nature, she also decided we needed to go all out. She has set us up with a training schedule where we run three times a week and will spend the summer working up to a place where we're able to run the whole 5K without stopping. I'm terrified, to say the least.

We began week 3 last night, and for the first time in more years than I can count, I ran 3 full minutes without stopping. Twice.

It's still pretty hard on me, and sometimes I still hate to go. But I like the way I feel after running, and I love the way I feel when I think about all the research that JDRF is doing and the idea that our children may see a cure within our lifetimes.

Counting my blessings

All the stress of my current life has put me in a bad mood for the last few days. I'm worried about what is going to happen in the next couple of months and continually wonder how in the world I'm really going to make it to August a prepared adult. In the midst of frustration like this, when nothing seems to make it better, and I've just got to keep swimming and push through it, it's important for me (and you ;) ) to remember the good things. So, today I'm going to make a list of the blessings I'm currently enjoying. I hope this inspires you to sit still for a few minutes today, make a cup of tea, and thank God for all He has done for you.

1. God places the single in families

God has not yet blessed me with a husband and family of my own, and this is usually a point of contention between the two of us. But, lately I have been able to see and appreciate that he has blessed me with extra mothers, grandparents, aunts, sisters, brothers, and children. I am eternally grateful to the countless members of God's family who have been generous enough to share their own families with me during this difficult time in my own life.

2. God knows what I need exactly when I need it.

I will never know why I had to wait until my last semester at Harding to make some of the best friends of my life, but God knows. I had several very good friends before this year, but when God blessed me with a friend who joined me in wondering why we hadn't found each other sooner and informed me that we were going to be friends forever, I couldn't ignore that. God knew that I couldn't have gotten through the past few weeks without her as an addition to the rest of my friend-family. I am grateful for his immense knowledge, even when I can't always see it at work.

3. God is an excellent guide.

I had some pretty specific plans for my life after Harding, but God didn't seem to agree with me. I have had to exercise my faith a lot lately and rely on the Father to work things out according to his will. He has helped me find a job and another family to join, but I still need a lot more help in working things out between now and then. He's gotten me this far, and--at least for today--I trust him to take me the rest of the way.

4. God gives me a way out.

Besides agonizing over the right decision about my job and career, the thing that has been the heaviest on my heart lately is the fact that I'm still single. Although there are no visible signs that God is making any headway in providing me with a man, he has sent me lots of sweet babies to love so that my motherly instincts and need to nurture can be satisfied. They provide me with a purpose, an object to pour my love onto, and a beautiful satisfaction of my need to be hugged.

5. God reminds me of my deepest loves when I feel that I'll never be able to keep going.

This week has been kind of surreal after last week's student-teaching and graduation that brought my college days to an end. I have felt very lost and haven't known what to do with myself. God, in his infinite wisdom, has reminded me of all the reading I've longed to do in the last few months while I lacked the time to spend in the world of literature. He and a couple of precious friends provided me with the perfect new book to get me back into literary-dom. Rediscovering my passion for words has given me a new sense of peace that is irreplaceable.

Top half empty

So, tomorrow is THE day. The last four years have been incredible. I've made my share of complaints, but this is truly the greatest place on earth. Not one time in the next 20 years will I grumble about mailing that student loan check. It has all been worth it, and then some.

This is a feeling that can only be understood by those who have shared this life. This place has become my home. It's where my people are. It's where I've grown up and learned who I am. This place and the people here are what have made me into the person that will walk across that stage tomorrow and turn my boring white tassel. I cannot believe I'm actually here.

I'm excited. I've been waiting to be a real-live grown-up for as long as I can remember. But now that it's finally time, I'm nothing short of terrified. I don't have a job. I don't have a place to live. I'm still as single as I was when I got here. THAT was definitely not in my plan. Because the future, even the immediate future, is so cloudy, I have nothing exciting to look forward to and take my mind off of all that I am losing. I have experienced so many "lasts" in the past few weeks that I can't even begin to write about them.

I feel like I've made it to that awkward place at the top of a half-empty page between chapters. I'm sort of just floating around in white space, having not yet found the first line of the next chapter.

I know I've got to start a brand-new life. I don't know how to do that yet. I don't know how to be in this in-between place. I can't even get into what it felt like to leave Pangburn High School for the last time this afternoon. I've complained about student-teaching there a lot, but the truth is that it was a wonderful experience. I learned so much, and grew to love so many people there. I could not help but fall apart a little on the way home when thinking about how much I love those kids and wondering what in the world I'm supposed to do when I'm not getting up and going to school with them every morning. I sat down after dinner tonight and had time to write this blog because there are no lessons to plan or papers to grade or HUFEOs to complete. I have no idea what to do with myself.

I know that this has all been rather random, but my person is rather unsettled right now. I know that tomorrow is going to be wonderful. My family will be here, and we'll all have a lovely time. Sunday will be fine as well because it'll feel like my usual routine. Monday is going to be the problem. On Monday, I'll have to figure out what it means to be a real person and then at least make a plan to do it. I don't want to give all this up. I don't want to have to do all these hard things. I'm trusting God, but so far, he's been speaking very softly.

I hear that the view from the other side is much nicer. I hear that it's all going to turn out ok, even thought I cannot currently see how I'm ever going to feel like things are "right" again when I can't live at Harding. I hear that I'm prepared and that it's normal to be nervous. I hear that no one is ever ready for the biggest things in life. I am looking forward to the day of great peace when I will finally be able to take those things to heart and really believe them. Until then, I'm going to keep praying, keep searching, keep looking forward, and have an amazing day tomorrow when I find myself surrounded by all of the people who love me the best.