Home Improvement and Discontent

I've spent the last two weekends helping my friend Rob shop for furniture. She and her husband have been planning to makeover their living room since they got married in the spring of 2009, but this month, we all finally got around to picking things out. We've agonized over the patterns and fabrics and colors and styles of dozens of different pieces. We've measured and measured again. We've positioned and repositioned things in our minds. We've looked at catalogs and at actual furniture on the showroom floors. We've sat in every single chair and on every single couch and now, we've finally made decisions. All the furniture pieces, positions, and patterns are finally chosen and paid for. In 6-8 weeks, they'll (we'll) have a brand new living room.

I've enjoyed every minute of it. Organizing and arranging all of these things is something that I love. Interior design is one of my many future career ambitions. But the fact that I currently live in my very first single-person apartment, which isn't the most luxurious of living arrangements, means that my style and taste aren't exactly represented by the hodgepodge of hand-me-down furniture and accessories currently in my apartment. I've got lots of plans and ambitions, but my life and my private-school teacher's salary haven't yet allowed me to make the changes I'd like. Needless to say, although I've thoroughly enjoyed living vicariously through Rob and Tracy this fortnight, I can't help but think about all the things I'd like to do in my own place. Here are just a few that are in the front of my mind right now:

1. Buy or make slipcovers for my couch and chair
2. Buy a "gently-used" table and chairs
3. New curtains for the living room
4. New bedding
5. A microwave, since mine decided to quit a couple of weeks ago
6. Buy or inherit some shelves so that my beloved books can finally get out of those boxes and breathe
7. Put some sort of art on the super boring walls

Hopefully, this incredible discontent that I'm feeling will be satisfied soon. Maybe I'll even blog about my efforts in the coming weeks. Keep your eyes peeled for updates.

I greatly apologize to all my devoted fans and readers for the too-long hiatus you've been forced to endure while I spent the last month or so transitioning into my new life. I'm going to put blogging back on my priority list, but I'm not making any promises at this point as to how often you'll actually get an update. I love you all very much, but life is in session.

I suppose that the most efficient way for the pickle jar to make a comeback is to create a list of all the sweet and sour bits of life from the last few weeks. I'm a list maker by nature, but I'm terrible at hierarchies, so these are in no particular order.

1. I am and have been a real-live teacher for a month now. It still feels weird sometimes that I'm not the one in school anymore, but I love what I do. I'm sure that you all know someone in the teaching profession who could tell you all about the stress and mountains of work that go into molding young minds, and I am no stranger to climbing (and tumbling down) those mountains. However, I get to get up everyday and spend time with an amazing group of young people who continue to inspire, frustrate, encourage, and challenge me on a daily basis. I am certain that this is where I was made to be.

2. I just moved into a my very first grown-up apartment last week. It's a bit scary to actually be out on my own, paying my own bills, and coming home to an empty place every night, but I'm beginning to get used to it. I've always liked to be in control of how I spend my time, so that part is nice. I am confident that things will get easier. Some days are sweet; some days are sour. But everyday I am thankful for the opportunity to be able to be where I am.

3. Rob and I are still running, now on a daily basis. Our 5k for the JDRF is next weekend, and hopefully I'll have a post about how we were able to run the whole thing in roughly 45 min. It's still hard for me to keep going with the running routine, but I know I will feel so proud and accomplished when we cross that finish line.

4. Rob and I are also now sponsoring a child from Togo, West Africa through the Compassion International program. We send them money every month so that Francios can eat, sleep comfortably, go to school, and learn about Jesus. I am so excited to write my first letters and hear all about Francios' life. I still dream about being able to go hold babies in Africa someday, but until I get the opportunity to do that, I am doing what I can to make a difference.

In addition, here are a few things that you might see posts about in the near future, assuming that I can keep this up:

knitting

a new women's Bible study

Poetry Friday

experiences at a new church home

Wildcat Football

JDRF 5k

my sweet, sweet babies

ducks on the fishing pond

I hope this has been successful in satisfying your appetite for my interesting and witty entries. That's life in the pickle jar.

Top half empty

So, tomorrow is THE day. The last four years have been incredible. I've made my share of complaints, but this is truly the greatest place on earth. Not one time in the next 20 years will I grumble about mailing that student loan check. It has all been worth it, and then some.

This is a feeling that can only be understood by those who have shared this life. This place has become my home. It's where my people are. It's where I've grown up and learned who I am. This place and the people here are what have made me into the person that will walk across that stage tomorrow and turn my boring white tassel. I cannot believe I'm actually here.

I'm excited. I've been waiting to be a real-live grown-up for as long as I can remember. But now that it's finally time, I'm nothing short of terrified. I don't have a job. I don't have a place to live. I'm still as single as I was when I got here. THAT was definitely not in my plan. Because the future, even the immediate future, is so cloudy, I have nothing exciting to look forward to and take my mind off of all that I am losing. I have experienced so many "lasts" in the past few weeks that I can't even begin to write about them.

I feel like I've made it to that awkward place at the top of a half-empty page between chapters. I'm sort of just floating around in white space, having not yet found the first line of the next chapter.

I know I've got to start a brand-new life. I don't know how to do that yet. I don't know how to be in this in-between place. I can't even get into what it felt like to leave Pangburn High School for the last time this afternoon. I've complained about student-teaching there a lot, but the truth is that it was a wonderful experience. I learned so much, and grew to love so many people there. I could not help but fall apart a little on the way home when thinking about how much I love those kids and wondering what in the world I'm supposed to do when I'm not getting up and going to school with them every morning. I sat down after dinner tonight and had time to write this blog because there are no lessons to plan or papers to grade or HUFEOs to complete. I have no idea what to do with myself.

I know that this has all been rather random, but my person is rather unsettled right now. I know that tomorrow is going to be wonderful. My family will be here, and we'll all have a lovely time. Sunday will be fine as well because it'll feel like my usual routine. Monday is going to be the problem. On Monday, I'll have to figure out what it means to be a real person and then at least make a plan to do it. I don't want to give all this up. I don't want to have to do all these hard things. I'm trusting God, but so far, he's been speaking very softly.

I hear that the view from the other side is much nicer. I hear that it's all going to turn out ok, even thought I cannot currently see how I'm ever going to feel like things are "right" again when I can't live at Harding. I hear that I'm prepared and that it's normal to be nervous. I hear that no one is ever ready for the biggest things in life. I am looking forward to the day of great peace when I will finally be able to take those things to heart and really believe them. Until then, I'm going to keep praying, keep searching, keep looking forward, and have an amazing day tomorrow when I find myself surrounded by all of the people who love me the best.