Si-LENT-s

Although I'm not Catholic and have no desire for "high church," I do have many non-Catholic friends who regularly observe Lent. I'd thought about it for the last several years but have always felt that I ought to be sacrificial all year round and didn't like the idea of allowing myself to believe that my work was done at Easter. That's not to say that Lent observers feel or think this way, but only that I would be tempted to if I wasn't careful. Along the same lines, however, I have had a difficult time adjusting to my new grown-up single life in the past 8 months, and my spiritual life has taken a real beating. So this year, after some really hard conversations with good friends, I realized that a scheduled sacrifice to recenter my focus might be just what I needed.

Then came the internal conflict about what to give up. It had to be something tangible that I could feel and experience and miss regularly. It also had to be something I could actually do without for forty days. And it had to be something that would help me find and feel God again.

Finally, after a really late night of tears and trying and trembling, it came to me on my way home. I decided to give up listening to the radio in my car. It met all the criteria. With all of my driving back and forth to Beebe at least twice a week, in addition to the driving that I do around Searcy regularly, I could definitely miss it. But I also felt that I had enough self-control to make it through. I also decided that because I didn't want to sweep my house clean only to have seven more demons return, I needed to pray regularly in the car to replace listening to music. This was how I was going to find God again.

Now comes the confession and report on just how well I've done. First of all, I did stick to it. (And since my revelation came about a week too late to begin on Ash Wednesday, I've still got 3 days left.) Some car rides were harder than others, and I didn't always pray as much as I should. But practicing the self-discipline of Silence has really helped. It's helped me be more self-controlled about my eating habits and more self-disciplined about working out. It's helped me to really appreciate and almost look forward to the quiet times when I can just rest and think. I think it's helped me remember more. When I have more room and time to think, I forget fewer things. But the ultimate test is "Has it really brought me closer to my God?" I really think it has. I think the prayer and quiet time has created a way of life for me that reminds me that God is around. I am much more likely to remember to stop and pray than I was at the first of the year. I'm more content (usually). I'm more comfortable being alone and silent (most of the time).

I don't know what will change next week when I'm allowed to listen to the radio again. I hope it's like when I stopped drinking Cokes for a year and a half. Now I can't stand the taste of a regular soft drink. I hope I won't like it anymore. I hope I at least don't want it on all the time. I hope I'll still be able to remember how precious quiet can be and how calming it can be to not have a thousand different inputs in my one tiny brain.

Regardless, God is good. And I can't explain how it wonderful feels to regularly feel Him with me again. So, if the testimony of a Lent neophyte is worth anything, I'm in favor of yearly sacrifice. It's one step closer to the daily sacrifice we're all called to.

Music makes words out of my soul thoughts.

"Music gives a soul to the universe,

wings to the mind,

flight to the imagination,

and life to everything."

~ Plato ~

I have long been affected by music, especially spiritually. I've often felt that worship songs were a better reflection of the deep yearnings of my heart than I could ever put into words. I have often used songs as prayers to the Lord when I could not find the words to express what I needed to tell him. Music cuts me somewhere deep. It allows my spirit to fill me up and overflow into the hearts and minds of others, especially God. I know that feelings are not everything, and they shouldn't be the basis for faith or closeness to God, but I am a primarily emotional being, and I have never felt closer to the heart of God than when I am singing, when I allow the melodic phrases to open secret passages of my heart that perhaps I didn't even know were locked. Music is a beautiful gift from the Lord.

That being said, I have been given a great gift in my opportunity to attend chapel daily. I have learned several new songs just this year that have quickly become favorites. No comment of mine can add to the beauty of these words, so I will simply share with you the lyrics of three songs that I had never heard a year ago and cannot begin to understand how my soul ever lived without. I hope that you will be blessed by them as I have been.

Still

Hide me now
Under Your wings
Cover me
Within Your mighty hand

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm
Father you are King over the flood
I will be still and know You are God
[
Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know His power
In quietness and trust

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm
Father You are king over the flood
I will be still and know You are God

Let God Arise

Hear the holy roar of God resound
Watch the waters part before us now
Come and see what He has done for us
Tell the world of His great love

Our God is a God who saves
Our God is a God who saves

Let God arise
Let God arise
Our God reigns now and forever
He reigns now and forever

His enemies will run for sure
The church will stand, she will endure
He holds the keys of life, our Lord
Death has no sting, no final word

I Will Rise

There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say "It is well"

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

[Chorus:]
And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

There's a day that's drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

[Chorus:]

And I hear the voice of many angels sing,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the cry of every longing heart,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
[x2]

[Chorus:]

Logos

I've thought a lot about the truth of God's power in the spoken (and written) word over the past year or so. I intended to write my Senior Seminar paper in exploration of this idea last fall, but my mentor did not think it was a good idea, so I was pushed in another direction. Nevertheless, the idea of logos, our logo-centric faith, and God's power through the logos permeates my thoughts on a regular basis. A good friend and mentor sent me a link to a phenomenal blog post this morning that I could not leave alone. By far the most personal highlight of my first reading was the following statement: The tightly knotted bond between God and language is the secret truth of all writing. Isn't that profound? Not writing more often is one of my continuous regrets, but I allow life to get in the way too often. I love words, and the beauty that can be found through true self-expression is overwhelming. So, when I can't seem to make time to write myself, reading the words of others expressing profound truth is almost as good.

I'm in a difficult place in my life, and I've been trying really hard to see God working in my life to love me and show me what plans he has made for us. To say that I'm not very good at it would be an understatement. However, one of the ways I find God, his power, and his presence in my life regularly is through words. Whether it's through a song, a prayer, a scripture, or a few words from a sweet student, God is powerful and gracious and faithful, and he knows me. Looking for the secret truth in the writing of others is a balm for the secret longings of my heart, and I thank my creator for speaking so tenderly to me during this, my time of wilderness.

Thanks to all of you who allow God to work through you to minister to me as angels.

Counting my blessings

All the stress of my current life has put me in a bad mood for the last few days. I'm worried about what is going to happen in the next couple of months and continually wonder how in the world I'm really going to make it to August a prepared adult. In the midst of frustration like this, when nothing seems to make it better, and I've just got to keep swimming and push through it, it's important for me (and you ;) ) to remember the good things. So, today I'm going to make a list of the blessings I'm currently enjoying. I hope this inspires you to sit still for a few minutes today, make a cup of tea, and thank God for all He has done for you.

1. God places the single in families

God has not yet blessed me with a husband and family of my own, and this is usually a point of contention between the two of us. But, lately I have been able to see and appreciate that he has blessed me with extra mothers, grandparents, aunts, sisters, brothers, and children. I am eternally grateful to the countless members of God's family who have been generous enough to share their own families with me during this difficult time in my own life.

2. God knows what I need exactly when I need it.

I will never know why I had to wait until my last semester at Harding to make some of the best friends of my life, but God knows. I had several very good friends before this year, but when God blessed me with a friend who joined me in wondering why we hadn't found each other sooner and informed me that we were going to be friends forever, I couldn't ignore that. God knew that I couldn't have gotten through the past few weeks without her as an addition to the rest of my friend-family. I am grateful for his immense knowledge, even when I can't always see it at work.

3. God is an excellent guide.

I had some pretty specific plans for my life after Harding, but God didn't seem to agree with me. I have had to exercise my faith a lot lately and rely on the Father to work things out according to his will. He has helped me find a job and another family to join, but I still need a lot more help in working things out between now and then. He's gotten me this far, and--at least for today--I trust him to take me the rest of the way.

4. God gives me a way out.

Besides agonizing over the right decision about my job and career, the thing that has been the heaviest on my heart lately is the fact that I'm still single. Although there are no visible signs that God is making any headway in providing me with a man, he has sent me lots of sweet babies to love so that my motherly instincts and need to nurture can be satisfied. They provide me with a purpose, an object to pour my love onto, and a beautiful satisfaction of my need to be hugged.

5. God reminds me of my deepest loves when I feel that I'll never be able to keep going.

This week has been kind of surreal after last week's student-teaching and graduation that brought my college days to an end. I have felt very lost and haven't known what to do with myself. God, in his infinite wisdom, has reminded me of all the reading I've longed to do in the last few months while I lacked the time to spend in the world of literature. He and a couple of precious friends provided me with the perfect new book to get me back into literary-dom. Rediscovering my passion for words has given me a new sense of peace that is irreplaceable.

Evening the playing field

This post is a collection (loosely defined) of thoughts that emerged from our Sunday morning class discussion and flared up again during the reading of Ellen's latest post. There has been a lot of talk in my social circles lately about the unchanging nature of God in light of the seemingly contradictory nature of the Old and New Testaments. Because you can read some interesting thoughts on that specific topic at the link above, I'm choosing to ramble on about the implications of this discussion. I like to spend time thinking about what it is I truly believe and how those beliefs ought to affect my everyday life. I'm often pretty terrible at blending all the compartments of my life together, so it's good for me to think about how my life would look if God seamlessly flowed through all the cubicle walls. I'm getting to the point sometime soon, I promise.

So, if I am to truly believe that God is the same "yesterday, today, and forever," what does that mean for my life? Well, I think that there are several important implications, but the one that I keep thinking about is an increase in humility and tolerance. If the God of the Old Testament is still the same God who I serve today, then His Law is and was perfect. It was not the spiritual Articles of Confederation, but rather it was the keyhole view of God's heart that he was working on revealing a little at a time.

If I believe that His Law is perfect, I will have more respect, not only for those words, but also for the people they were written for. As a body of believers, we generally see modern-day Jews as those poor people who missed the boat. Their religion was abolished with the death and resurrection of the savior we worship, and -- all too often we think that-- they were just too narrow-minded to realize it.

The Jewish people are the generations of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. They are the people who God set his heart on and spend hundreds of years yearning for, receiving unto himself, losing to idols, punishing, and reconciling with. Our perfect, gracious, and merciful God first bestowed His grace and mercy on the people of Israel.

I am by no means saying that we, as Christians, should embrace Judaism. I wholeheartedly believe in the resurrected Son of God and choose to be loyal to him always. (Besides, the Jerusalem Council decided I didn't have to in Acts 15.) I am only asserting that we realize the special place our own loving God gave to Israel and learn to be more tolerant and loving toward them as the beloved people of God.

What do you think? How is your life different when you live as though you serve an unchanging God?

God is a Pusher

I've been praying for several years for God to show me who I am supposed to be and give me the strength, courage, and guidance to do what I need to do to become that person. Some days I wish God wouldn't take me so literally. This has been one of those days. Do you know what I mean? One after another, things keep coming up all day long, obstacles that you must overcome. Typically, they are things that you are usually terrible at and struggle to get through, or they make you actively choose the right thing even though it is something you really don't want to do.

God has really been pushing me to grow lately. Yesterday the lesson I had planned for my 9th graders practically fell flat because of something I could not have planned for. It was a really good lesson for me to learn but a pretty huge blow to my fragile confidence in my teaching ability. This afternoon I got a phone call from my co-teacher for the 2 and 3-year-olds class I teach at church on Wednesday night. Her daughter is sick, so she wasn't going to be able to make it. That meant that instead of taking my very-much-needed nap this afternoon before church, I had to go by and get the class materials and plan a quick lesson. It wasn't a very big deal, but I could really have used that nap. Also, I found out today that a friend of mine from high school, who has not talked to me in over a year, lost her grandfather today. And, as a person who has gone through more than her share of family deaths in her short lifetime, more-than-understands how difficult this situation is. And once again, I could hear God asking me to be the bigger person and do the right thing.

I know I asked for this. I get it. But, I'm tired, and I'm starting to resist the push. I love people. Sometimes too much. But it's often lonely when the people thinking and caring about me are silent, and ironically self-absorbed Hailey (because that's who I become when I start to think about how many times I've made myself do the right thing by people lately) forgets that they're there at all.

It is a blessed thing, at these times, to be able to crawl into the big lap of the Father and let him squeeze me tight and tell me that I really am worth it and that I really do have what it takes. It's really too bad that sometimes, even after all the work I've done to overcome it, I still can't feel Him. The good news is that I'm pretty sure He's pushing me closer to Him.

I pray blessings on all of you, readers. I pray that you will know with complete certainty what God wants from you and for you. I pray that you know how much you are loved. And I pray that you can feel His arms around you. And I pray that on those days when you feel like you can't be pushed any further God will provide some sort of escape. Even something as simple as the pure joy in the light of a child's eyes and his sweet voice calling your name. There's a reason we're called to be like little children.