Si-LENT-s

Although I'm not Catholic and have no desire for "high church," I do have many non-Catholic friends who regularly observe Lent. I'd thought about it for the last several years but have always felt that I ought to be sacrificial all year round and didn't like the idea of allowing myself to believe that my work was done at Easter. That's not to say that Lent observers feel or think this way, but only that I would be tempted to if I wasn't careful. Along the same lines, however, I have had a difficult time adjusting to my new grown-up single life in the past 8 months, and my spiritual life has taken a real beating. So this year, after some really hard conversations with good friends, I realized that a scheduled sacrifice to recenter my focus might be just what I needed.

Then came the internal conflict about what to give up. It had to be something tangible that I could feel and experience and miss regularly. It also had to be something I could actually do without for forty days. And it had to be something that would help me find and feel God again.

Finally, after a really late night of tears and trying and trembling, it came to me on my way home. I decided to give up listening to the radio in my car. It met all the criteria. With all of my driving back and forth to Beebe at least twice a week, in addition to the driving that I do around Searcy regularly, I could definitely miss it. But I also felt that I had enough self-control to make it through. I also decided that because I didn't want to sweep my house clean only to have seven more demons return, I needed to pray regularly in the car to replace listening to music. This was how I was going to find God again.

Now comes the confession and report on just how well I've done. First of all, I did stick to it. (And since my revelation came about a week too late to begin on Ash Wednesday, I've still got 3 days left.) Some car rides were harder than others, and I didn't always pray as much as I should. But practicing the self-discipline of Silence has really helped. It's helped me be more self-controlled about my eating habits and more self-disciplined about working out. It's helped me to really appreciate and almost look forward to the quiet times when I can just rest and think. I think it's helped me remember more. When I have more room and time to think, I forget fewer things. But the ultimate test is "Has it really brought me closer to my God?" I really think it has. I think the prayer and quiet time has created a way of life for me that reminds me that God is around. I am much more likely to remember to stop and pray than I was at the first of the year. I'm more content (usually). I'm more comfortable being alone and silent (most of the time).

I don't know what will change next week when I'm allowed to listen to the radio again. I hope it's like when I stopped drinking Cokes for a year and a half. Now I can't stand the taste of a regular soft drink. I hope I won't like it anymore. I hope I at least don't want it on all the time. I hope I'll still be able to remember how precious quiet can be and how calming it can be to not have a thousand different inputs in my one tiny brain.

Regardless, God is good. And I can't explain how it wonderful feels to regularly feel Him with me again. So, if the testimony of a Lent neophyte is worth anything, I'm in favor of yearly sacrifice. It's one step closer to the daily sacrifice we're all called to.

God is a Pusher

I've been praying for several years for God to show me who I am supposed to be and give me the strength, courage, and guidance to do what I need to do to become that person. Some days I wish God wouldn't take me so literally. This has been one of those days. Do you know what I mean? One after another, things keep coming up all day long, obstacles that you must overcome. Typically, they are things that you are usually terrible at and struggle to get through, or they make you actively choose the right thing even though it is something you really don't want to do.

God has really been pushing me to grow lately. Yesterday the lesson I had planned for my 9th graders practically fell flat because of something I could not have planned for. It was a really good lesson for me to learn but a pretty huge blow to my fragile confidence in my teaching ability. This afternoon I got a phone call from my co-teacher for the 2 and 3-year-olds class I teach at church on Wednesday night. Her daughter is sick, so she wasn't going to be able to make it. That meant that instead of taking my very-much-needed nap this afternoon before church, I had to go by and get the class materials and plan a quick lesson. It wasn't a very big deal, but I could really have used that nap. Also, I found out today that a friend of mine from high school, who has not talked to me in over a year, lost her grandfather today. And, as a person who has gone through more than her share of family deaths in her short lifetime, more-than-understands how difficult this situation is. And once again, I could hear God asking me to be the bigger person and do the right thing.

I know I asked for this. I get it. But, I'm tired, and I'm starting to resist the push. I love people. Sometimes too much. But it's often lonely when the people thinking and caring about me are silent, and ironically self-absorbed Hailey (because that's who I become when I start to think about how many times I've made myself do the right thing by people lately) forgets that they're there at all.

It is a blessed thing, at these times, to be able to crawl into the big lap of the Father and let him squeeze me tight and tell me that I really am worth it and that I really do have what it takes. It's really too bad that sometimes, even after all the work I've done to overcome it, I still can't feel Him. The good news is that I'm pretty sure He's pushing me closer to Him.

I pray blessings on all of you, readers. I pray that you will know with complete certainty what God wants from you and for you. I pray that you know how much you are loved. And I pray that you can feel His arms around you. And I pray that on those days when you feel like you can't be pushed any further God will provide some sort of escape. Even something as simple as the pure joy in the light of a child's eyes and his sweet voice calling your name. There's a reason we're called to be like little children.